I've got the FEVER

Yikes.  I've got to come out and say it! I've caught the fever...the baby fever!

I don't know how it happened, or who I caught it from.  It snuck up very quickly and knocked me off my feet. 

Me-the mom who blogged about the possibility of waiting years for another baby just a few months ago-now has the fever.

Does this mean I actually think I'm ready for another baby? Not so much.  I think I'm just finally to the point of liking babies again.  I'm still not emotionally ready to have one around all the time.  Sadly, I think I had issues with PPD that I didn't even admit to myself until recently.  That first year was rough on me, emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I didn't even know myself how rough it was until I "snapped out of it" as they say.

Hindsight's twenty-twenty. 

Still, until this week, I was no where near even thinking of having another baby.  Then, I looked at pictures.  I looked at them all.  Somehow, looking back on the happy pictures makes the bad memories seem a bit fuzzier.  The picture of her first smile.  The pictures of her playing and laughing with me.  Pictures from this time last year, with sun streaming in through the vertical blinds.  Her bald little head reflecting such bright light. 

So many pictures.  What happened? Why don't I take as many pictures anymore? I seem to have just stopped.  I guess we just got too busy, and with Addie moving around so much, even our Nikon D40 has trouble getting her in focus sometimes.

I've got the fever alright.  Something I didn't think I'd catch for a long time.  Is it here to stay?  We'll see.  For now, I plan to ignore it.  I'll get my snuggles in and that new baby smell from our newest play group addition. 

We agreed to re-assess how we felt each year and go from there.  I still have a few months to decide how I even feel about having another baby.  At least one obstacle is out of the way now.  I can see myself wanting another baby...sometime.  Just not quite yet.

In Which I Quote A Loved Character..

How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon.  December is here before it's June.  My goodness how the time has flewn.  How did it get so late so soon?*  Sometimes I feel like I blinked and missed the last year of my life.  Where did the time go? It's almost December...and here I am forgetting my hat and scarf because, hello! it's still summer!  Well....in my mind at least. Things have been so hectic the last few weeks that I'm forgetting the small things... So where have I been?  So many places.  First and foremost, my baby turned one this weekend, as you probably deduced from my reminiscent post of this time last year.  We had a fabulous party with a Dr. Seuss theme.  It was casual, laid back, and so much fun!!!  We even hired a photographer so I wouldn't have to be stressed out trying to entertain, take care of Addie, and capture every cute moment on camera.  I can't wait to get the photos back!  I've been over here tapping my fingers on the computer for two days now wondering why can't I see them yet?!  I know, I know...I need to work on my patience.  I just can't help but be excited about the fact that my baby has now celebrated her first birthday! But...more about that later.  Hopefully with pictures. In other news, I have also been working on starting my very own business!  That's right...although I love writing, I am probably not ambitious enough to actually go anywhere with it.  I have been crocheting baby and toddler accessories-such as hats and scarves-for a little extra money.  I love love love love love being a Stay-at-Home-Mom, but with Willie working over time and going to nursing school full time, I just felt like I needed something for me.  I have just recently re-discovered crocheting.  I've known how since I was a little girl, but never did get around to completing projects.  This most recent attempt was for a winter beanie for Addie so I was determined to finish it.  I loved it!!  In order to keep learning and keep making new items, I decided to list them on my storefront and see how they sell.  I am hoping this shop really fulfills something I felt was missing.  Something for me to focus on that is all about what I want, something that I enjoy.  I love my daughter and husband more than life itself, but sometimes you just need a separate part of your life to really give your all, you know?  With that said, if you are interested in checking out some of my items, please feel free to check out my shop or sent me a message for a custom request.  I think those are the two biggest updates in my life so far.  I am working on a post for Addie's birthday party (and my emotions over her turning one) now, but I wanted to write a quick update so everyone knows where I've been and what's been going on in our house!
*Dr. Seuss quote.  I feel it accurately describes my feelings these days.

The Birth of Addison Lynn..

Don't worry, an updated blog post complete with some party pictures and recent news will be up this week!  This is my last flashback post (and my real birth story written just days after her birth with very little editing so forgive me if it's not coherent!):

I just wanted to clarify that everyone is right. As much as I didn't want pit, as soon as they said there was even a small risk I agreed to it. So we got to my room about 8.30 and told them to just go ahead and start it. After 3 IV attempts they finally got one in, but it HURT!! I must have been having a reaction to something, the plastic or something, b/c they kept coming out, and the one they did get it bothered me the whole time, even in the middle of hard core labor I was complaining about my IV, lol. Well, the good news was even with the pit, I could still get up and walk around with the portable monitor, and I could even labor in the tub. So I hung out and waited for things to start hurting. I guess around midnight the contractions were hard enough that I was starting to have trouble breathing through them, so I asked if I could get an internal and see where I was, b/c I wasn't sure how long I was allowed in the tub since my water broke so I was trying to hold out for 5 cm before I got in. I was at 4.5 so I told the nurse I would get in the tub and see if that helped. They got me situated and I labored in there for awhile and started feeling sick. These contractions HURT! I don't honestly know how long I stayed in there, about an hour or so I think, then I got out and started walking around the room until contractions would hit and they would stop me in my tracks! I got back in bed for a bit b/c I just felt I could concentrate better there, and was able to breath through a few more hours of contractions. I was starting to get nauseous and trembling so I asked if I could do the tub again now that I was in a lot more pain I thought it would relax me. While I was in the tub that time I started pretty much shaking uncontrollably, and I couldn't focus through these for anything! I still really didn't want the epidural, and since it had been so long since my last internal I was thinking "maybe this is it maybe I'm almost done!" so I asked for another internal. 5.5 cm. I almost started crying. Actually, I think I did start crying. That was about 6 am and they told me I could get the epidural and it would probably relax me. At this point I knew I pretty much had to get it. If I couldn't stop shaking, I definitely wasn't surrendering to the pain to let the contractions work effectively. I was TERRIFIED! Willie was even crying with me b/c he knew how much I didn't want it, but he knew also how much pain I was in and he just couldn't stand it. So they called in the guy to do the epidural, and by this point, I'm balling my eyes out. I really didn't want this and didn't know if I could do it. They had Willie pretty much hugging me and he talked me through the whole thing. I must say, the worst part was the little needles, lol. I screamed at one point b/c I didn't know it was the numbing shot and it felt like he shoved something hard into my spine the shoved it up INTO my spine, and I thought that was it. I was paranoid the whole time he was doing it that something was just going to go terribly wrong and I'd have awful side effects from it, or worse (at this point) it wouldn't work! They laid me back down into bed and told me the contractions should gradually get less intense over the next 10-15 minutes. She was right, and I actually started to doze off finally and from there a lot of my details get really fuzzy b/c I would only remember some of the contractions. I guess they gave me the epidural that wasn't too strong so I could still feel b/c as the contractions got stronger I could start to feel a little pain again but it was NOTHING compared to what it was before. Once I got the epidural, my labor did in fact speed up. By 11 am I was 10 cm but b/c of the pressure of Addison's hand I still had one side of my cervix that wouldn't soften so I had to lay on my right side until it thinned out. They decided to let me labor down as much as I could b/c they still weren't positive if b/c of her position she would fit and they didn't want me pushing too long and putting extra stress on Addison and myself if it wasn't going to work anyways. Well, around 2 they did an internal and she was at +3 Willie said you could almost see her fingers, haha. So I did a few practice pushes with the nurse and then the doc came in when they knew I was ready. I pushed for 2 hours.  I really started going unconscious in between contractions while I was pushing and would only wake up when I felt pain and I would push. Eventually I woke up with an oxygen mask coming down over my face and the doc saying "When I tell you to stop pushing, I need to to stop, then I'll let you know when and I'll want just a little push from you" so I knew it was either the end or there was something wrong.  It was the end, thank goodness.  The shoulder presentation felt really weird, b/c all I could feel was the pressure and I seriously thought she was cutting me all over to make her fit, lol. They laid her on my stomach for a minute after she came out, but I couldn't pull myself up to see her and I still had the mask on so I yanked it off so I could see her a little b/c I knew at that point they weren't going to let me hold her for long before they took her to the warming table. She had her first BM on my tummy, lol, and then they brought her to the warming table to get her to cry (she was coughing and breathing on me but not crying and her color wasn't great) and to look over her hand and arm since there was some pretty bad swelling and bruising and she wouldn't move it. FINALLY after about 40 minutes of me crying to hold my baby, they brought her to me and she was just perfect! I have to say the doc was GREAT. She did the perineum massage the whole time I was pushing her head out and she was really encouraging. I seriously thought only midwives put that much effort into helping a mother give birth, all the stories I've heard the OB just comes in and catches the baby and leaves, lol. Not the case here! She stayed through all the pushing, after being in and out through my entire labor, and she stayed the whole time they were taking care of Addison. I was also really impressed that the word "c-section" only came up once at the very beginning because she wanted to let me know that she had never dealt with this particular position for a birth and so she couldn't tell me how it would end but they would do everything they could to keep it from ending in a c-section. I love that doc I'm so glad she's the one that was on-call for my birth. And I'm absolutely in love with my little girl! Every time I look at her I just can't fathom that she came out of me and I made her!

Happy Halloween!

This won't be a long post as I've been hyped up on sugar and can't sit still long, but we wanted to say Happy Halloween!  Just to forewarn you, I am 2 weeks from my due date (last year) and from Addie's first birthday, so you're going to see a lot of reminiscing these next few weeks instead of current news.  To hold true to that, here I am last year celebrating Halloween without Addison.

M

Me and my lopsided pregnant belly, Halloween 2008

And, here we are today, as a family, celebrating this holiday yet again.

 

 

From all of us, Happy Halloween!

Unloading on You

I really have to tell everyone that reads my words how grateful I am to have this outlet.  If I didn't have it, I might scream some days.  Today is one of those days. Consider yourselves warned, and proceed with caution.

Addie is teething.  Again.  I am so sick of her teething, and no one seems to understand our situation.  If Addie teethed like a "normal" baby, I would not be frustrated.  With "normal" babies, you have a week or so of erratic sleep, extra drool, loss of appetite, and irritability.  With Addie, we've had 8 months on and off of this pattern.  Every week is a new surprise.

For those of you that don't know, she started teething at two-and-a-half months old.  Yes, this is pediatrician verified.  She is now almost 11-months-old and still has no teeth! None!  For the past eight months, every few weeks we have had teething symptoms, getting progressively worse and worse each time.

When I was a kid, my dentist told me I had "floaters" for teeth.  In fact, I still had baby teeth at the age of 20 that had to be pulled.  My adult teeth took forever to come in.  I would have a few weeks of pressure which would loosen the baby teeth, then the tooth would recede and the pressure would go away again.  It seems that Addie has this same "issue."

The positive side of this is that she apparently has my teeth.  That is a good thing in the long run seeing as how I've never had a cavity or real dental surgery (<--FYI: getting baby teeth pulled by a dentist at 20 does not count as real dental surgery).  The negative side to this is that she has been teething for 8 months!!!

As of yesterday, we are in the throws of yet another teething spell.  She's extra clingy, fussy, waking up during the night and early in the morning, and just plain not feeling well.  I don't like it! I don't like waking up unsure of which Addie I will see that day.  I don't like not knowing even about what time I will get woken up in the morning.  I don't like having a child that is overtired from lack of a good night's rest.

If this was any other baby, I would say "Okay, things will go back to normal after her teeth come through," and that would be enough to make me chill out.  With Addie, though, it's not.  Who knows when these teeth are going to pop through?! How many more weeks can I get surprised with erratic sleep and a fussy baby.  How much longer can I go knowing we only have a few days of "normal" at a time?!  What's worse is...everyone says the first teeth are the hardest.  Everyone also says that about their child that teethed within the "normal" time frame.  How will it actually be for Addie?

I have even had people that had the nerve to ask if I was sure my child was teething.  It took everything I had not to yell "Yes, you idiot!  I know what a teething baby looks like.  Her pediatrician knows what a teething baby looks like! Do you think I just pulled this explanation for excessive drool out of my arse?!"  (<---Seriously?? Who asks a mother this?!).  If I hear one more time that she will get her teeth eventually and that she will not go off to college with dentures I'm going to lose it.  Seriously.  I'm ready for some sleep.  I'm ready to experience what it's like when my child isn't teething!

I'm ready to see some results already!!!

End rant.

Little Miss Independant...

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic.  It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and become fully independent."-Erich Fromme, German-American Philosopher.

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My baby girl is growing up.  It seems that by giving her room to crawl an inch, I gave her room to crawl a mile.

We walk into a hectic room-a party-and she clings to me, but only for a moment.  She wants down.  Why am I carrying her? She asks.  So I put her down.  She crawls away...just a few short feet, and turns to make sure I'm still there.  She plays ball with me as she eases into the rhythm of the party.  She looks around.

Then, reassured, she takes off.  She is my social butterfly-where did this come from?

She crawls up to other adults with her flirty smile and hands them a ball.  She needs someone to toss it to her.  After a moment or so, she moves on to the next adult.  She makes her way around the room, talking, playing, watching.

She never looks back.  She goes into the other room where the big kids are playing, and she dives right in She plays with trucks, and blocks, and a rocking horse.  She follows the other kids around.  She reads a few books. She has a great time.

Who needs mom? These toys are cool!

My little baby is not a little baby anymore.  She is a kid.  And to kids, toys win.

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I am proud of her, but my feelings are conflicted with nostalgia.  I went into that party expecting her to cling to me until the end.  Expecting her to want no one but me.  Expecting her to want comfort.  Instead, she didn't need me.  She needed her independence.  She needed to explore.  She needed to know she didn't need me.

It seems I have raised her well.  She is thriving and ready to branch out.  I just can't help but wonder, how much longer will she be my baby??

But I'm Not Ready!!!

I can remember quite vividly the day that Addie decided to come into this world.  It was one day after my estimated due date, and I had been trying to time Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks, waking up in the middle of the night and watching the clock for an hour. I had finally given up.   I had given up sitting on pins and needles waiting for the sign.  The sign that it was time.  And of course, as with anything else, that's when my water broke.

It was a crisp fall day, I had been out and about shopping with my mother-in-law all day. We had visited the grocery store, shopped at Babies R Us for some last minute buys, and had just run into Target when I realized what was happening.  My water had been leaking for a few hours without me even noticing.  I quickly gathered what I needed from the store and paid, telling my mother-in-law what was going on.  We went home and I called Willie and the doctor, who sent me to Triage.

25 hours later, Addie was born.   She weighed 6 lbs 12.5 oz, and was 22 inches long.  I couldn't believe I had finally done it.  She was finally here.  I could finally experience having a baby...

I do have a reason for telling you all this.  I'm getting there.

Now, on to my point.  Ahem.

As time went on, Addie started interacting with us and trying to move around.  Then, one day, she crawled.  It took her so long to start crawling.  I think she scooted around on her belly, barrel rolled, and rocked back and forth on her knees for almost two months before she finally started crawling-no exaggerations!  But after she started crawling, she never looked back...

About a week or two after she started crawling, she started pulling up on her crib.  She couldn't stand there for very long, but she could pull up.  Pulling up led to cruising within a week, and cruising led to standing unsupported within two.

This past week while we were camping, Addie learned how to stand up completely on her own.  She has been practicing this new trick for about a week now, crawling away from furniture then standing in the middle of the floor.  I knew it was only a matter of time...

Apparently she has gotten pretty bored with standing in the middle of the floor then sitting back down.  Tonight, my baby-my little 6 lbs 12 oz baby with her bald little head and chubby little cheeks- stood up in the middle of the kitchen, looked at me, then took two steps in my direction before stumbling into my leg.

She walked!! 

Okay, so I know she's not quite walking yet, but she's so darn close it's getting scary!  Where did my baby go? I'm not ready for a toddler!!