How Do I Do it All?

Wow, it's been two weeks since my last post.  Well, so much for that goal of writing at least twice a week.  That lasted...uhh...a week?

These days, I keep finding myself thinking of that part in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  You know the part where Hermione breaks out the necklace that let's her be in multiple places at once and travel backwards in time?  I so need one of those.  Maybe then I would write more.

You see, I want to blog.  Really and truly.  I've blogged in my head so many times the last few weeks and then written on my mental checklist, remember to blog.  The only thing is, I forget what I wanted to write by the time I get a chance to really sit down and think.

I get very few "free" hours in my day.  More than some, less than others. Unfortunately, during those few "free" hours, I have so many things I want and need to get done that I've had to prioritize way more than I'd like.  I mean, really.  Addie falls asleep and Willie runs off to work and I feel like my brain is going to explode with the to-do list that pops into it at that very moment:

I've got to get as much stock pumped out as humanly possible before August 21st, but oh wait I have all of these new ideas in my head that I want to make, don't forget you really need to blog.  Oh but your etsy team blog is being neglected as well, and you still haven't made a team treasury for this month. Don't forget Mom's birthday! Weren't you going to make her some booties? Mt. Fold-Me is starting to rumble...I fear it will explode off the couch any day now, but what's that smell in the kitchen? Man, I guess I need to do the dishes.  If I'm going to do the dishes I should really give the kitchen a really thorough cleaning.  I mean, then I could go ahead and vacuum too...oh wait...I'd have to clean up all of these toys first. Where is the cat? I hope he didn't get out again. Oh boy speaking of getting out, we've got to get groceries I should probably make a list.  It looks nice out today, it would be a great day for Addie to wear that dress that I never made.  Screw it. Nap time's over now anyway.

A lot of people ask me how I do it all.  You know, the blog, the pictures, the house, the kid, the cooking, the cleaning, the baking, the business, the play dates, the social life, the entertaining, the hiking trips, the marriage....

Truth is...I don't.  I don't even make a dent in it all.  Most days it's just priorities and what my mom calls the "flight of the bumblebee" when I realize company is coming over.  I take care of the priorities; my daughter, my husband, my business, and living our lives.  The rest of it I usually just hope will fall into place on it's own.  Usually it does...at least somewhat.  Just...don't surprise me with a spontaneous visit.  That would just be embarrassing.

You're Lucky, You Know..

What is with this phrase? I must say, nothing irks me more than being told I'm "so lucky."

You're so lucky you've lost so much weight after the baby....I guess you haven't seen my food journal or my daily weigh ins that I did for months.

You're so lucky you got out of that little hometown of yours and have you're own life...You could do it, too, if you wanted to badly enough.

You're so lucky you're able to stay home with Addie every day....Read my response to that last comment.  Same applies.

You know what? I'm not lucky.  Willie and I work really, really hard for what we have.  We make a lot of sacrifices for me to be able to stay at home with Addie.  It's what we wanted and it's what's important to us.  It's not something that just fell into our laps.  It's not an opportunity that was given to me for no reason.  It's what I've wanted forever.  I never knew what I wanted to do with my life other than be a mom and be with my kids, so that's what I'm doing.  Willie works harder because of it.  We do without a lot of things...like a second car, our own home, dinners out, dates, babysitters, and so many little things. Addie practically lives in hand-me-downs.  She doesn't have a ton of toys(although she has a great imagination and love for the outdoors).

We're not lucky that we moved across country, either.  Again, it's something we wanted, and worked hard for.  We sacrificed a lot to be able to do it.  We're still sacrificing. Willie is back in school because he couldn't find a job in his field when we moved here.

Lucky is being given a house, like both my sister and cousin have experienced.  Lucky is being given cars left and right, or being given money to live on every day.  We're not lucky. We're just hard workers.

Many of our decisions were followed by overwhelming fear that almost made us turn back, but we did it.  I quit my job and we  live off of Willie's income (at least until my business takes off and I can help supplement) and it's hard most days.  We weigh each purchase like it were a major purchase.  Even better (and scarier, and harder), we do it completely alone.  We don't have our families to lean on for support.  Grandma isn't coming over to babysit for free so I can get housework done or go grocery shopping in peace.  I can't remember our last date night.

Don't get me wrong, all of it is worth it.  I love my life.  I get stressed just like anyone else, but I still love it.  I don't regret a single decision we've made in the last four years- okay, maybe I regret the decision last night to not go buy ice cream.  If I were to do it all over again, I'd probably make the same decisions.  My point, though, is to please quit telling me I'm "lucky." Luck didn't have anything to do with where we are now.  Recognize our hard work for what it is.  Hard.  Know that we stress out about money and what the future holds just as much as everyone else, but we do it because we've already weighed the pros and cons and know we can get through it.

I'm not lucky.  I'm just determined, and very, very stubborn.

When I Said "Traveling", This Isn't What I was Talking About

As many of you know, we recently visited family in Texas for a week.  We do this pretty frequently, actually.  I think this was our third trip to Texas in two-and-a-half years.  We've also flown a couple of times to California in that time as well.  That's it.

This luggage was part of our wedding registry.  When picking it out, I had just come back from a month-long trip to Europe, in which I spent 2 weeks in Dusseldorf, Germany, and two weeks in Cabo Roig, Spain.  During that time, my old luggage went through hell and back.  I got it off the baggage carousel in Houston with a bent frame, a gimpy wheel, and writing from top to bottom (from various bus drivers and customs workers).  The luggage I brought on that trip was fairly cheap and rather small for a month-long vacation.  So, I registered for this set with all of our future travels to far-away countries in mind.

As you can probably guess, that's not really what happened.  Instead what happened was we got married, found out Willie was leaving the Air Force, got pregnant, and moved across country flat broke.  All within 6 months (give or take).

Now, all of our traveling revolves around college schedules, cheapest flying times, and holidays.  We go to two places.  Places we've seen a million times before.  Places we know like the back our our hand...or at least we used to.  The point is, it's nothing new.  It's nothing exciting.  I always swore we'd travel a lot. I wanted to see everything. Everywhere.  What happened to that?

Why am I not drinking Sangria in Spain or touring the Louvre or eating real Chinese food?

I'm nostalgic for that life.  I love the life I have, but I miss the life I almost had.  I want to take Addie with me there.  I want to take Willie, too.  Yet again, here we are, left waiting for our lives to start. Waiting for school to be over. Waiting for things to get a little easier.  A little more fun.

When I registered for these suitcases with traveling in mind, this isn't exactly what I meant, but it's what I got.

It's Like the End of an Era

This past week, while vacationing in Crystal Beach, Texas, my actions changed the face of my marriage forever.

Literally.

Playing in the sand with Addie, holding Willie's ring on my thumb (against my better judgment) while he swam in the waves, I dropped the ring.

All of a sudden realized it was gone.  I don't even know the exact moment it dropped. I just suddenly realized it was no longer on my thumb.

It's symbolic, in a way.

We met on Crystal Beach.

Fell in love on Crystal Beach. 

Our parents were introduced on Crystal Beach.

We spent our wedding weekend on Crystal Beach.

And now....one of the rings we said our vows with is lost on Crystal Beach. 

In a way, I kind of feel like we were always supposed to lose a ring there.

It's the end of an era, in a way. I can't believe that ring only lasted two-and-a-half years. Now I have to search for the perfect ring. Again.

Farewell to a Dream..

For those of you who do not know (but may care), our family is moving.  Not too far away or anything, but we are moving.  We are going to pay the penalty charge at our apartment and move into a four-bedroom house.

Why are we doing this again? Two reasons. 

1) Ever since our flood, this apartment has had an...aroma...A musty, smelly, almost-moldy aroma.  We've spoken to the apartment manager about this and she claims they've checked twice before moving us back in and there is no mold or moisture in the walls or carpet.  Unfortunately for them, we found mold last week in the bathroom where the flood originated.  Sucks for them.  Sucks for us, too, for a number of reasons.  Despite the mold (it was a small amount-able to be cleaned up with harsh chemicals which I hate), our primary reason for wanting to leave is the smell.

2) We found a place!  Some great friends of ours-possibly our closest friends here in Washington-own a few rentals and one became available a little over a month ago!  It is a 4 bedroom house! With a yard!! 

I absolutely can't wait.  Then again...part of my heart is sinking...just a little bit.  I moved across the country to live in Seattle.  We couldn't afford the rent when we first moved here, so we agreed to live in the "suburbs" until Willie found a good job and started making money.  Little did we know that after a year in the area, he was going to make a huge career change that included another four years of schooling and training and climbing a whole new ladder. 

Like I said, I can't wait to move.  I'm excited to get into a house, especially being so close to such great friends.  That's not what this blog post is about though.  I need to get the negatives off my chest tonight.

This move-while best for our family for a number of reasons-will move us further from Seattle.  Maybe it sounds a little crazy to want this so badly, but I just feel like I've missed out on that experience.  We will now be moving another 30-or-so miles further from the city.  That makes a full 1-hour commute.

The pros are that we'll be in a smaller (safer) area, near the water, with a yard, near friends, with a built-in play mate for Addie, with a garden.

The cons are...we'll be further from Seattle.  I can't fight it anymore.  I dug my heals in long enough on this argument until I finally recently decided I can't fight it anymore.  It's better for our family. It's better for Willie. Closer to his job. 

I've known since this time last year that my fight was childish, irrational, and even a little selfish.

It's not worth it to fight it anymore. 

The Not-So-Natural Disaster

This is the story of my week.

It all started Thursday morning when I woke up. The apartment was stinky, the litter box was overflowing, the laundry I had been folding for 2 days was in a pile in the basket, and the cat had pooped in the kitchen-not that I could tell where the kitchen was thanks to all the dishes that needed to be done. You see, I had been battling with some health issues for about a week and had basically “taken time off” if you will to rest because I was feeling so poorly. In fact, I was told to rest. The only problem is, the people telling you to rest generally don’t realize that if they don’t pick up the slack, nothing will get done. So, here it was Thursday morning and I snapped. I couldn’t rest any more. I got as much of the mess cleaned up as possible that morning and decided to take a break before I tackled scrubbing the bathrooms and mopping the floors-you know, all the “extras” that need to be done but don’t really affect how your apartment looks. I just couldn’t make myself keep moving. My body was exhausted and sore. I just wasn’t able to get to the minor details that day. I figured I would tackle them the next morning when I would hopefully be feeling better.

Thursday night was like any other night. Willie and I watched Project Runway and then headed to bed a little after midnight. Next thing I know, we are both being abruptly awoken by someone pounding on our door. I hear a lot of commotion upstairs and outside so I waited a minute to see if our neighbors were just getting rowdy. Then they knocked again and started ringing the doorbell, so Willie went to see who it was. We were both pretty worried at this point because just a few short weeks ago we got a notice from the police department stating that ground-level apartments in our area were getting broken into, and that their “technique” was that they knocked on the door to see if anyone was home, and if not they came in through a window. So Willie answers the door and it’s the maintenance man, who says that our upstairs neighbors had a pipe bust under their bathroom sink and he needed to check and see if it was leaking into our apartment. Sure enough, he didn’t even have to get all the way to the bathroom before water started squishing up around his feet. Half of our apartment was already flooded, and the water was coming down at an alarming rate. We checked and it was half way into Addie’s room, all through our dining room and front bathroom, down the hall, and making it’s way into our living room. That’s not to mention the water that seeped through the floor boards into the back bathroom and our closet. It was a huge mess. Huge.

The cleaning guy came knocking on our door an hour later to clean up the water (6 a.m.) and he told me that they were going to place two fans in our apartment which would hopefully get the mess cleaned up by Monday…Yes…Monday. We were facing three days with wet carpet, noisy fans, and electrical cords everywhere; all of this with a toddler. Oh, did I mention that he said it was going to start to smell? Lovely. So, we waited for the office to open up and headed down there to see what was going to happen. I’m sorry, but I was not going to stay in that apartment.

I went down there and the girl in the office didn’t even know anything about flooding or a busted pipe. She asked if I had called the emergency number to get it fixed or if it was still leaking, so of course I had to walk her through the whole situation. She said the manager would be back in an hour and that we should talk to her, so we went to Starbucks and got coffee. The whole time we were gone we discussed what we needed to tell them and what we wanted from the situation-which was really only a clean, quiet place to stay while they worked on our apartment. We were so worried we were just going to be told some excuse as to why they couldn’t temporarily move us. As it turns out, they were moot worries since the office manager called us 30 minutes later to “discuss our options.” She wanted to move us!! Hallelujah! She was basically willing to do anything we wanted at that point to keep us happy, and offered us the model home which is fully furnished, and the same size as ours.

After further inspection, it appeared our apartment got the majority of the damage. The reason they wanted to move us is so they could put more equipment in our apartment-so much more that it would no longer be advisable for us to stay there at all. I’m not entirely sure how that happened since the pipe that broke wasn’t in our apartment and we aren’t on the bottom floor, but that’s apparently what happened. The water decided to pool in our dining room instead of leaking through to the bottom level. Because of this, we were not able to come back home until yesterday (Tuesday).

We went back to our apartment that afternoon to get some things we would need for our stay, and I saw our apartment through the eyes of an outsider. For all the work I had done the day before, our place was still an embarrassment to me. I couldn’t believe there were strangers coming in and out thinking this was the way I normally lived. I try so hard to keep up with two cats, one toddler, and one grown adult every day in such a small area, I was bound to get behind at some point and let things pile up. It’s just what happens when you’re the only person in a household that wants the place to look nice. I told Willie while we were in there, “this is God’s way of punishing me for keeping a messy apartment.”

Moral of this story: Clean!! Clean even when you are sick. You never know when a pipe will bust upstairs and you will have strangers coming into your apartment and judging you because there is food on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink.

It's That Time of Year Again

Well, it's that time of year again.  Lights.  Decorations.  Family.  Food.  Fun.  Oh, and there's also gifts, but I try not to focus on that part.

The holidays have always been my favorite time of year.  We just have so many family traditions that bring us all closer.  We didn't grow up with very much, but we sure felt rich.  I hope to instill the same ideals into my daughter.  The holidays should be about who you are with, not what they give you.  In these economic times, I feel that lesson is even more important than it was before.  It seems that most families have cut back this year.  The stores don't seem as crowded as before.  I really hope we are swinging the pendulum back away from this insane materialistic culture.

I really hope people are re-discovering the meaning of Christmas.  I really hope they are remembering the small things.  The things that really matter. 

I can still remember all of our traditions growing up.  Can I tell you what I got for Christmas every year? Not even close.  I can remember a few very memorable years-like the one where we woke up with a note from "Santa" telling us to look outside where we found our trampoline.  I can also remember a Christmas where we got the original Nintendo gaming system and two games.  Mario, and The Little Mermaid.  We never received any other games for that system, but we didn't know any better.

What I remember from Christmas are the little things.  Our traditions that we kept up each year as we got older.

I remember getting a new personalized ornament for the tree every year.  Putting out Christmas decorations as a family with the Christmas music on.

I remember wrapping coffee cans with Christmas wrapping paper.  I remember spending hours baking home-made Chex-Mix for all of our friends and family.  I remember delivering those Christmas-wrapped coffee cans to everyone special to us, and seeing their face light up with excitement.  What beats home-made Chex-Mix?!

I remember opening one present on Christmas eve every year-Christmas PJ's that we wore to bed, so our holiday videos would be festive.  I remember waking up before the sun to start Christmas day, and then somehow still running out of time and rushing to my Granny's to eat and spend time as a family.  I remember there being years where 30 people came over to Granny's to celebrate with us, and years that there were just 10 of us.  I remember everyone in the kitchen helping cook.

I remember that no matter what, my uncle would make fun of whatever my mom brought.  He always made fun of her rolls saying she didn't make them right.  They were store bought!!  All you had to do was remove them from the package, put them on a baking sheet, and bake them until they were lightly browned!!  It became quite the little game that everyone (except my mom) looked forward to come dinner time.  I remember the year my mom decided No More Rolls! and asked Granny what else she could bring so "Reid would stop making fun of the **** rolls."  That year, Granny gave mom the recipe for pecan pie, and swore that if she followed that recipe exactly, she would come out with the perfect pecan pie to bring to dinner, that Reid would not be able to find anything wrong with.  Sure enough....the pie came out burnt.  In my mother's defense, though, Granny's recipe was less than perfect!  Silly old Granny wrote down the wrong temperature to bake the pie! So, despite her best efforts, my mother received the teasing of a lifetime at that Christmas dinner.  Pie slices were dropped onto the plates to see how loud of a clunk it would make each time.  My poor mom.  I don't think she brings anything to Christmas anymore.

I also remember the gift-giving at Granny's house.  I remember we would all fight over who got to be "Santa" and hand out the gifts to everyone.  It was usually whoever was learning to read at the time-at least until we got older.  The present opening was a huge ordeal as you can imagine with 30 people in and out of the house, but it was always so much fun. 

As I said, Christmas is my favorite time of year.  Reading through this post makes me realize how long it has been since I wrapped coffee cans and filled them with home-made Chex-Mix. Maybe next year...

Other than that, and going to Granny's, the rest of my holiday traditions are right on par with how I grew up, except they are scaled down for my tiny family up here in Washington.  Somehow, picking out Christmas PJ's, hanging personalized ornaments on the tree, and re-creating the Christmas dinners of my childhood make me feel close to my family again.  I think of them all, gathered around Granny's big table with their wine glasses raised, toasting Christmas, toasting each other, maybe even toasting us. I will then turn to my small little family and toast us, toast Christmas, and toast our extended family back in Texas doing the same thing we are, maybe even at the same time.

This year will be a completely new experience for me.  This year, we will be spending the holiday with Willie's family in California.  I will keep the little things as close to tradition as I can, all the while opening my heart and my mind to new traditions.  Traditions Willie may like to pass on to Addie.  Traditions that we can mix in with mine, and make them completely our own.

What are some traditions you have for the holidays? What are some of your favorite memories? 'Tis the season to share them all!

My Water Broke!!! *

That's right ladies and gentlemen!  The time is officially here!  I guess all I needed to do was relax a little and let things happen on there own.  It's like passing my due date just made all the tension ease from my mind and freed my body up to do what it was supposed to do.

Today started out just like any other day.  Willie went off to work, and my mother-in-law and I had some coffee and breakfast.  Instead of just hanging around the house all day waiting for something to happen, we decided to go out and buy some last minute things for the baby-Yeah because there was really more stuff we needed to buy.  


We were getting ready to leave right after lunch, and something told me (For any of the men reading this turn away now) to put on one of those overnight pads I had bought for after the baby.  No reason.  I had just tried to get into the habit of wearing one when we were out *just in case*.  So, I take care of that and we head out to Babies R Us.  The whole time I just felt funny but I couldn't quite put my finger on it so I just pushed it aside.  We get to the store and start walking around.  Every time I leaned over to look at something, it felt like I was peeing.  Boy was I embarrassed!  So I rushed off to the bathroom several times during that trip, but kept brushing it off.  I mean, I am over 40 weeks pregnant now, things are bound to get more difficult at this point.  We wrap up at Babies R Us and head out to Target.  At this point I'm wondering if something is going on.  I mean, yesterday being the full moon and all.

We get to Target and sure enough, this feeling is coming more and more.  I'm actually starting to get uncomfortable.  I go "pee" two more times while we are at Target.  The second time was right before we left.  I told myself "Okay, if I feel this one more time before we get to the car, I'm calling the doc!".    Sure enough...as we stepped off the curb I felt a pretty large gush!  I told my mother-in-law that I thought my water was leaking, and we headed back to the apartment.  I tried to pee and clean up after we got home and it just wouldn't stop so I called the OB and told them what was going on.  Since there was no way I'd make it there by 5 (the doctor/hospital is 30 minutes away and we still had to get Willie) she told me to just head to Triage when I felt it was time.

My phone call to Willie went something like this (I didn't want to freak him out since I wasn't having contractions).

Me: "Hey babe..you almost done for the day?"
Him: "I've got this call I'm almost done with and one more after that.  I was going to take my time and stretch it to 5 pm."
Me: "Well, maybe don't stretch your time.  Do you think they can take that last call off you and you can come bring me to the hospital?"
Him: "The where?"
Me: "The hospital, hun.  I think my water broke.  Can you do that? Can you get that last call taken away and come home early?"
Him: "Oh.  Cool.  Yeah I'll tell them I can't make my last call then I'll just try and make this call take as long as I can so they don't give me another one."
Me: "Umm...could you not make this call take any longer?  It would be nice to make it to the hospital.  I mean, I'm not having regular contractions so don't drop everything, but don't make it take longer please."
Him: "OH!!! So it's actually time!!"
Me: "Yeah, so we'll see you in a few?"

I went ahead and double checked that we had everything ready for the hospital while we were waiting on Willie to get off work.

Duffel bag check
Diaper bag check
Insurance info check
Cell phone check
Computer (for pics) check

It was quite a trip!  We picked up Willie from his work van and headed to Triage.    I was so nervous the entire car ride there.  I mean, my mom had two very quick labors...what if that's me? What if I'm already really far along and we don't have time to make the 30 minute drive to the hospital? What if...what if...what if...

So, we finally make it to the parking garage and find a spot.  I open the door to get out of the car and...POP!!  My water actually breaks. Like full on, messes-up-the-clothes-makes-a-huge-mess breaks.  Thank goodness I was out of the car first.  Now the only problem is that I'm soaked.  Willie goes looking for a wheelchair or someone to help us.  Do you believe there wasn't a single person available to find us a wheelchair?!  I had to walk through the lobby, down the hallway, up the elevator, and down another hallway to find Triage.  Walking.  I looked like I peed myself!  It was such an embarrassing walk!  I walked up to the desk at Triage and told them my name.  Apparently my doctor had called ahead and told them the situation so the nurse said "Oh okay, so you think your water broke? Let's go check."

I kid you not she walked around the corner and her jaw dropped and she said "Yep, I'm pretty sure your water broke.  Either that or you really have a bladder control problem.  I'm not even testing that!"

She gets me settled into a room and gives me a minute to change and calm my nerves.  Then she comes in and does an exam to see how far along I am.  This is where things got interesting!  First, she tells me that I'm now only 1.5 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and the baby has moved from -1 to +1 position.  Yeah, apparently you can digress as well as you can progress!  But that's not all...

..."I don't think I'm feeling her head.  It's either a hand or a foot.  I can't tell which right now."


"What?"

"I'm going to get the doctor in to take a feel and see what's going on, but I'm pretty sure she's not head-down, she must have moved since yesterday."

So, the doctor came in about an hour ago and told me that it was in fact her hand that they were feeling, and that my contractions did not appear to be helping me progress.  They were just sporadic and irritating, but not effective at all.  With the fact that my water has already broken, they want to get my labor moving along a bit more quickly, so she is already planning on starting Pitocin.  I don't want Pit.  I asked her about walking or anything else that might get my labor going, but apparently since the baby's hand already pulled down when my water broke, they are now worried about a prolapsed cord, and would like to keep me from walking too much to risk that.

I'm now settled in my room and waiting on the nurse to come in and start my IV.  This isn't what I wanted, but I am sacrificing already for my daughter.

I've still got to call my mom and let her know what's going on, but I will write more as soon as there is an update. Most likely (hopefully) a birth announcement!

...Stay tuned for more...



* For those of you confused and wondering if I'm having another baby already without telling anyone, maybe you should read this post before you freak out

Today is My Due Date*

Yep. Today is my due date. My Mother-in-Law's flight arrives at dinnertime tonight, and there's still nothing going on.  I've been on the edge of my seat all day wondering when it's going to happen, because-let's face it-it has to happen today! It's my due date!!!

This morning I had my last scheduled OB's appointment.  She measured me and sure enough, I'm still 2 cm dilated and now 90% effaced.  I know that is kind of good news.  I mean, any progress is progress.  I have that much less work to do when I actually go into labor.  It didn't get me really excited though.  I was secretly hoping the OB would look up at me and say I see her head! and then rush me off to labor and delivery telling me to hold on just a second. 

...It was a nice dream.  At least she-in her words-tried to "help things along" while she was down there.  She told me I should walk a lot today in an effort to make things happen naturally.

So, after my appointment I decided to meet up with my friend that lives just a block or two from my doctors office.  We walked all over downtown Seattle! I had tons of fun freaking people out.

"Oh, congratulations, when are you due?"...."Right now."

Muahahaha.  The looks were priceless I tell ya!  We bought ice cream and cookies and all the things I wanted my entire pregnancy but stayed away from because I didn't want to gain weight.  Well you know what? It's my due date.  Screw it, I'm eating some Rocky Road ice cream and some cookies! 

Alas, through all of that, nothing is happening.  I guess this kid wants to stay in there forever.  Can't blame her...it's getting pretty cold outside.  Still, it would be nice to hold her in my arms finally.  We just got back from another walk (that's, what? Two walks today?) and I'm getting ready to make these enchiladas for dinner.  If nothing else, there's three different kinds of chili's in them.  Maybe they will start the contractions-even though I don't really believe in those old wives tales, I've still got some hope. I'll try anything at this point!

Wish me luck!! (and stay tuned...)





* For those of you that might be a tad bit confused & wondering if I am having another baby already maybe you should read this post

Nesting Galore..the countdown continues..*

November 9, 2008

 I can count on one hand the number of days counting down to the day.  Well, at least I hope it's the day!  I don't think I can handle this much longer.  I got stuck on the kitchen floor this afternoon after attempting to reorganize the lower level kitchen cabinets.  Seriously, I was on the floor for at least 30 minutes while needed to pee.

I've been nesting this past week-my excuse for the lack of blogging.  It's over now though.  The cabinets are organized, the floor is scrubbed, I have food frozen in the freezer, the nursery is organized (a hundred times over), the clothes are washed, my bag is packed.  There's nothing left to do but wait. 

...and imagine symptoms of imminent labor.  I can't count how many times I've woken up thinking I was in labor.  I'm really really beginning to count on this full moon to put me into labor.  Everything else I'm doing sure isn't working, and despite my countless reassurances on the outside, I'm not remaining as patient as I had wished.

Willie's mom will be here in a few days.  Her plane lands in the early evening on my due date.  What happens if we are at the hospital at that time??  Oh the pressure!!!  You would think all this stress would send me into labor.  It's not such a great idea to encourage though since my last three appointments have shown my blood pressure to be high.  Guess we'll just wait. 

Some more.  Is the suspense killing you yet??




*Photography by Andrew Yeckley

Good Morning?? Ha. Yeah Right.

I know by the time I finish this post, it will no longer be morning, but this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down and focus all day!!  I apologize in advance about the utter disaster that is this post and the grammar contained in it. I still haven't even finished my coffee.

It started out like any other day.  Actually, it started better than most days, since I rolled over lazily to see the clock say 7.45 a.m.  I laid there for a minute listening for the sounds I must have missed in such a deep sleep.  Surely, my daughter is already awake and playing quietly in her crib.  Or not.  Apparently my sweet little offspring decided to give mommy a gift today and sleep in!!  I forgot what that felt like.

We had a leisurely hour of play time while she finished drinking her "milk" and I got a chance to check my email.  It was appearing to be a pretty fantastic day.  Then breakfast happened.

You wouldn't think cereal and fruit could cause a child to need a full-on bath  to get cleaned up after breakfast, but sure enough, she found a way to accomplish that.  No biggie.  She kind of had a "I peed through my diaper sometime in the middle of the night" stench to her anyway, so we'll take a bath and wash the sheets.  I got her nice and cleaned up pretty quickly so since she was having so much fun I let her play with her bath toys for a few minutes.  Oh no.  I see bubbles...

Yep.  She did it.  She pooped in the tub.  Not only did she do that, but she wanted to continue playing in said tub, and threw a royal fit when I took her out.  I had to take her out of the bathroom to make sure she wouldn't try to climb back in, completely disregarding the soiled tub for the moment.  Get her cleaned up and dressed again and put her in the living room with her toys.  I look down the hall to see the make-shift curtain we put up over the play room fluttering*.  Again, no good.  Fluttering curtains means one of them figured out how to get past it-thumb tacks and all. (I know..I'm super classy.  If you saw it you'd think it was even classier).  I run down the hall in time to see a cat dart out from under the sheet.  Crap!!  I can't deal with this right now!!  Turn around to go back down the hall and realize I don't see Addie anywhere.  But I hear water splashing.  Yep, she was trying to play in the water I forgot to drain from the tub!!! I go in there, drain the tub, pull her out of the bathroom and get her hands cleaned up.  I put her back in the living room and start trying to clean the tub out-which now has poop caked onto it, and I look over and the cat is darting back into the play room she can't go into!!!  I dart over there in time to scare her and she runs away from the curtain, then proceed to head back to the bathroom and take care of the tub situation, where Addie chooses to join me again and try to climb.  Again, I take her out of the bathroom and turn on cartoons for her, hoping that Yo Gabba Gabba is enough to distract her from the enticing bath tub.  Look down the hall...the curtain is ripped down from the doorway and there is a cat squatting in the area we are trying to get the stink out of!!  Addie is running down the hall at me, she just can't wait to get back into her play room that keeps getting taken away.

Meanwhile, Willie is asleep after working the night shift in the room right next door as I completely lose it and toss my cat out of the play room, scoop Addie up, and go yell at him that I-need-some-help-I've-got-cats-and-kids-going-in-every-direction-poop-in-the-bathtub-stinky-pee-sheets-cranky-11-month-old-ripped-curtains-and-cold-coffee!!!!!!

Thankfully, Willie got up and cleaned the bathroom while I cleaned up the mess in the play room and figured out a way to fix the curtains.  Now they actually seem to be hanging better, with no loose areas that can be squeezed through.  So, with Willie's help, we have a clean bathroom, a napping toddler, dry play room, curtains hung, and sheets washing.  Thanks to me we both have warm coffee and a few minutes of peace and quiet.

If it sounds like absolute mayhem, that's because it was.  I don't see how moms with more than one kid have enough arms.  Today really is one of those days that teach you about Surviving Motherhood.



*For those of you that don't know, we had to barricade the play room while we wait for this odor neutralizer to do it's job, thanks to a certain bladder issue from one of our cats.

Back in the Day...

As I sit here, just having finished my lunch, I cannot help but think about life back in the day.  Life B.C. was quite a bit different.   I was finishing up my Top Ramen while leaning against the sink and shooing away the cats and enjoying a moment of silence when it hit me.  This sequence of events has not happened in years.  Probably since I met Willie and he made me stop buying Top Ramen. What can I say? The dehydrated highly salted noodles are just so addicting.

Anyway, as I was saying, I realized that I had not eaten a lunch of Top Ramen while leaning against the kitchen sink and shooing away my cats during a moment of peace in about three years.  I started reminiscing about the series of events that has changed my life so much in just the last three years to the point where I have forgotten what daily habits I clung to so desperately in single-hood.

Just three years ago, I was barhopping three to four nights a week, working a minimum wage job, living in a garage apartment in the ghetto of Southeast Texas for $300 a month, clinging to a relationship that was over long before it started, and living off Top Ramen and espresso.

Now? Now I don't even know where the closest bar is, my work is paid for in hugs and kisses, I'm living in a great apartment in a great part of town, married to my wonderful husband of two years, and I'm 3,000 miles from where it all began...

It has been a whirlwind ride these last few years.  I met Willie and we fell in love with a spark (if I believed in love at first sight I would say that's what we experienced) 3 and a half years ago.  It was a lovely affair for a few months before getting serious.  We met every other weekend to spend every moment with each other before Willie drove the four hours back to base.  When that was not enough, I packed up my little one-bedroom garage apartment into a U-Haul truck and left my family and friends behind to spend every free moment with him.

Our engagement was a pretty low-key affair-happening during a commercial break during the latest episode of Family Guy.  We announced the news to our friends via Myspace, and I left for a month long trip to Europe the following week.  After my trip, we set our wedding date and I started the planning.  The wedding was at a quaint little garden near my parents house on a warm fall evening.  What do you know?? That evening will be celebrated twice over next week.

I can hardly believe how much my life has changed with his help.  Parenthood (and married life itself) is pretty stressful at times.  We are at each others throats almost daily, but at the end of the day we know that what matters is that we are still in love and still make a great team.  We have recently decided that it's time to slow our lives down and just enjoy the family we have.  I think that is best.

I'm sure even without planning for another child just yet, it will still be another whirlwind year.  Don't we always have a way of making it so? 

Who is This Man and Why is he Sitting in my Living Room?

When we brought Addie home from the hospital, Willie and I were a "we". A team. We shared the responsibilities of diapering and bathing and changing. We both woke up in the middle of the night. Of course, I was solely responsible for feedings, since Willie has yet begun to lactate. I thought "Am I really this lucky? Do I really have a husband that is involved?!" How did I accomplish this?

As astounding as it is, this pattern continued for months. Willie played with Addie and changed her diapers and helped feed her once she was on solids. They had an incredible bond. Unfortunately, he recently started a new job. Because of his hours, it seems to have really affected our home life-sometimes in a negative way. He is home less often and has become less and less involved. I have found myself discovering what other moms feel like. You know, the ones that complain that they get no help.

I have been run ragged.

I'm frustrated.

I'm not getting enough sleep.

I'm emotional.

I can't keep up much longer.

Who is this man and why is he sitting in my living room? This is not the man I have seen become a father for the past months.

I have been picking fights left and right, asking Willie to do things, telling him to do them, yelling at him when he doesn't do them. I know he is stretched thin with working nights and trying to get into his new routine. Unfortunately, the irrational side of my mind has taken over. I have been resenting him for working, leaving me alone with a 9 month old every day. All day.

I intended to have a long talk with him. I was going to talk to him about what he was doing wrong. About how he needed to improve. About how he was leaving me feeling alone in this parenting journey.

Of course, we don't always follow through with our intentions, do we? There is a point in your planning where you choose a path. Do it, or don't do it? Talk about it, or don't talk about it? For me, the decision point was while reading a Parenting magazine about "Gatekeeper Moms". I thought "This is ridiculous..." but alas, I was bored, so I took the quiz. I would not normally put much faith into a magazine quiz, but as I started reading the article that went with the quiz, it seemed very familiar. He does always ask me when/how/where to do things. I do always give a list of details with each instruction. I always find something negative about a task he expected praise for.

So, I had a chance to talk briefly with Willie the next morning.

Me: "So, I think I know what our (or my) problem has been lately."

Him: "Oh yeah? What's that?"

Me: "Well, you know how I've been having issues with the help I'm getting, and I know I've been picking a lot of fights over this lately, "

Him: "Yeah..."

Me: "I read an article in a magazine last night that really spoke to me. I think the problem is me, not you."

Him: "Wait...what?!"

Me: "Well, after reading the article, and letting it sink in, I realize that despite my best efforts not to be that mom that hovers and tells her husband how to take care of the baby, well...I kind of have become her. I wanted to apologize and tell you I'm going to work on it."

Him: "So...this isn't the conversation I expected."

Me: "I know. I didn't expect it either, but I see now that I have been hovering. I am really going to work on it so you can be confident in how to take care of Addie. She loves you, and you deserve quality time with her. You're a good dad, I don't know why I didn't let you do things your way from the beginning. I was warned this might happen a million times and said 'that won't be me' and it turns out, it is. I need to work on my control issues."

Him: "Umm...wow. So, this conversation wasn't to tell me what I was doing wrong? I mean, you're not going to tell me to change? You're not going to tell me to do more around here?"

Me: "Well, yeah. I mean, I'd love for you to take more initiative with Addie and the house. I think that's important as well. But the difference is this time I'm going to let you."

Him: "Wow. Thanks babe. I'll try to do more around here."

A week or so has passed since this conversation took place. I am trying to be the bigger person. I am letting him make his mistakes. If he puts her in a pink onsie with red pants, it won't hurt her. I doubt half of the time people will even notice.

This will take work on both parts. I see subtle improvements. I watch him voluntarily change a dirty diaper again and think who is this man?

I am working on subtle improvements in my behavior as well. I find myself biting my tongue to keep from telling him what I think is wrong with her, or how he should play with her.

It will take time, but I think we will eventually have our partnership back.

I think eventually we will learn to value each others opinions again when it comes to our daughter.

I guess the moral of this post is nobody is perfect, and we shouldn't always put the blame on others. Sometimes, all that's needed is a small change on our own parts to affect the world around us.

Date Night Bliss

Last night, Willie and I went out on our first ever date as parents. We went and saw the new Potter flick (finally) and went to an amazing pizzeria in town. Real brick oven pizza. That doesn't seem to be too common these days.

I must admit, when Addie was first born, I blew off the well-meaning advice of everyone telling us that in order to be better parents, we had to be happy parents. All I could think at the time is, "What do they know?? They don't know us, we are an amazing couple, we'll have no problems." Turns out, maybe they did know something.

I just suddenly realized how important it is to catch up with my husband, as my husband instead of as a dad. You need a reminder every now and then of how to be a couple instead of just parents. You know what? It does make you better parents. All I wanted to do at the end of our date was run into the sitters house and scoop Addie up in my arms and hug her all night.

We are now making a goal of having a night for just the two of us at least once a month. It has to be a real date, too. No picking up fast food and running errands. We are talking dinner, movies, bars, plays, the works. Bonus points if we dress up for each other and put on make up (well...if I put on makeup . I don't think I could keep a straight face if Willie gave himself a makeover).

Looking forward to next month...



**In other news, I would like to wish my younger sister a happy 21st birthday! Who knows if she even reads my blog, but maybe she will get a nice surprise if she hops on here and sees this :)

I love him...

Having a child is a huge commitment. It changes you. Makes you a better person. Unfortunately, sometimes it changes the relationships around you. I can't tell you how often during these last few months I have worried (uncalled for) about our relationship and whether we are drifting apart without realizing it. I have done everything I can to make sure he is happy and that I am a good wife to him.

He is an amazing father and husband. He just....rocks. I talk with other women who complain that their husbands-while very loving with their children-do not do much around the house. Do not know how to change a diaper, or make a bottle, or give a bath. Not Willie. He does all these things and more. He is an amazing daddy and a great husband and partner! We make such a great team when it comes to Addison. We make a great team. Period. He is the peanut butter to my jelly. My other half. He completes me in everything I do in life. I don't thank him enough.

Today, it is all about him. He got to sleep in a bit this morning while I got his present ready and got Addie from her crib this morning (a "job" he always does so I can stay in bed, bless him). He came downstairs to a present and 2 cards-one from Addie and one from me- on his spot on the couch and we had a relaxing breakfast with Addie. Now she's napping and he gets to play his video games while I blog and do laundry. He requested that we make no big plans for today. He wants to just do nothing, and that's OK! It's his day and he wants to relax! We'll go out later and get some seafood to make a nice dinner, and go for a family walk. Other than that, today is all about relaxing.

Here's to you, babe. You're an amazing husband, an even better father, and the best room mate I've ever had. =) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some you time today.

A sample of Addie's gift to daddy.

I think we've found what works

What do you think?! Does this look like a happy, thriving baby??

Loving the bottles :)

Showing off the big belly to Daddy

Loves feeding herself.

I'm full now...

The past couple of weeks, it seems that more and more has been added to my plate. Do you think I need more? I am full. Please don't put anything more on my plate!

As it is, right now I am dealing with Willie being technically un-employed (at least not earning a pay check) while I am a SAHM. On top of that, we found out last week that Addie is not growing. She only gained 2 oz in 2 months. I worked all weekend on my supply, nursing her every 2 hours, drinking the tea, pumping after she was done. It didn't make a difference. She didn't eat any more or less, and today, I found out she hasn't gained anything over the weekend. We are now supplementing, which is hard for me, but I know it's for the best. I also noticed tonight that she has a rash all over her back, belly, and face. From the shots? From the harsh cleansers at the doc's office? From the formula? From the new cereal I gave her this morning? I have no idea, but I can't take any more worrying right now.

I am going to finish my wine and take a bubble bath. In the words of Scarlett from Gone with the Wind "I'll think about that tomorrow" because if I think any more tonight, I just might go crazy.