Can Discipline Go Overboard?

We all know that disciplining children is a touchy subject among parents.  Everyone thinks that their way is the best way.  We've all read books, blogs, and websites from different "experts" on the topic of parenthood and young children.

Today, I had the pleasure of stumbling across two different blogs (here, and here) discussing different sides on this subject.  The differing views between the two sparked something in me that I just needed to share.

They are both fairly short posts, and both very worth the read.  They bring up some great topics.

Upon my initial reading of the post "Are You Damaging Your Kid's Self-Esteem?", I was appalled.  What right does she have to tell me I'm pimping out my child when I ask for a hug or a kiss?  I feel like my daughter is a very affectionate child, and that I've helped her become that way.  This point is just hard to swallow.  I grew up giving my relatives hugs and kisses (on the mouth, too!) and I in no way feel that this has caused emotional damage.  I did not grow up to believe that the only way I can earn affection is by handing out kisses, or worse.  At what point would I be considered "pimping" my child? Is it when I ask her to show Nanna how she has learned all the words to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," including all of the signs? Or is it only considered pimping if I push the issue after she says "no"?

The author then goes on to discuss our "know it all" attitude as parents.  To an extent, I do agree with what she has written here.  She gives the example of telling your child to put a sweater on when it's cold.  "Let your kid get cold. Let him know where a sweater is just in case," is her advice.  Why should I insist that my daughter wear a sweater when she is telling me she isn't cold? I have found I am much more successful when I just suggest she wear a sweater.  If she refuses, then she can go outside and see how cold she is and make the decision herself.  To me, this proves two points. 

1) I believe she is an individual capable of making her own decisions-to an extent.  She is only 2 years old. and
2) Maybe sometimes mamma knows best.  Next time I suggest a sweater, she may believe me when I say it's cold, and grab her sweater.

Where do I draw that line, though? If my potty trained 2 year old says she doesn't need to go potty before nap, do I just let her go straight to bed knowing she'll be up in 5 minutes asking to pee? Or do I insist she at least try before nap time so she can go to sleep easier.

What about at bed time when she tells me she's not tired after spending the last 30 minutes rubbing her eyes and yawning? Do I really just let her stay up because she insists?

Can I tell her to say "please" and "thank you," or is that asking her to perform on command again?

I fear that if we take this school of thought too far-the school of thought that telling your child to do something ruins their self esteem and ability to listen to their bodily cues- that we may end up with an even worse situation than the one we are already in.  How many day time talk shows do we have to see with the title "I'm scared of my 3 year old," to learn that it's okay to offer guidance and discipline to your young child? The point is, everything in moderation.  It's a good rule to learn in life. I personally have found the best approach to be the power of suggestion, versus insisting she do it my way.

I would love some other opinions on this subject.  Do you find today's parents to be too pushy with their children?

This Must be Why They Call Me Crazy

Have you ever noticed with your mom friends that there seems to be 3 different groups of moms?

You've got the Group One over "here" that has 2 or 3 kids already, all close in age, along with the moms that plan to have 2-3 kids within the next couple of years.  They think this is a great idea.  They think "this way, I can get all of the diapers, sleepless nights, childbirth, and pregnancy over with all at once and move onto the fun times." Before I had Addie, I was part of this group.  This group that wanted to get this part of child raising over with all at once.  It's not that they don't enjoy this part of being a mom, they just want to go through all of the stages as few times as possible. 

Group Two, on the other hand, is over there on the other side of the room.  They've each got 1 toddler running around.  This is the group for only children, right? Wrong.  Well, technically they are still the only child, but Mom plans to have more.  Eventually.  You know, once their first kid gets a little older, a little more independent, maybe even starts kindergarten.  Group One looks at these moms like they are crazy.  They think "how could you want to start completely over after so long?!" In a way, they are right.  Essentially, you are starting over with a new baby once your mind and body are out of practice.  There are the pro's to this group, though.  Your body has more time to heal, the older child can "help out", you get some one-on-one time with the new baby to bond while your oldest is at school.

Then, you've also got Group Three. This group has been there, done that, and got a post card.  They don't need to go back.  They're done.  They've got their child.  He's perfect in every way, how could they possibly try to create perfection twice? Okay, maybe that's not really what they're thinking, but for one reason or another, they only want their one child.  Group One and Group Two don't understand it, but hey, who are they to say how to live your life, right?

Before I had Addie, I was part of Group One.  I figured it would be easier, they would be closer, and I could be "done" all at once.  This seems to be the most popular group.  Maybe that's because people are having kids later in life.  Maybe it's the high-powered careers more women have. Who knows.  All I know is that this is the going thought nowadays.

After having Addie, though, I slowly found myself joining Group Two.  I just wasn't ready to do it all over again.  As the time came to start talking about "trying" again, Willie and I both found ourselves avoiding it at all costs. Neither of us were ready.  We decided to wait a few years.  We're young, after all.  What's the rush? We'll wait until we're ready and we've got more income.

Once I started sharing this idea with others from Group One, I started getting these looks.  Looks that silently say you're crazy.  Out loud they would say something like "Oh wow! I don't know if I could do it all over again in a few years. I really want my kids close in age."  Sure, I know what you're saying behind those words.  You know what though? I'm starting to believe you.

Maybe I am crazy.  Maybe all those moms in Group One actually had it right, because let me tell you.  Once you hit those terrible two's, you kind of don't want to start over.  At least I don't.

Addie isn't even one of the really bad kids, either! She just won't do time outs.  Trust me.  We've tried it all, from standing behind her to make her not move, to re-starting a timer, and even using her bedroom! It just hasn't been working.  I have her say "sorry" and talk to her about her time out when she's done.  She won't do it.  When she does say sorry, she turns around and hits/pushes/bites immediately afterward so she ends up in another time out.  I know right now some of it has to do with her molars, but come on!!  How much more of this am I expected to take?! It's just been pretty intense.  We've had some discussions lately and we're trying some new things-one of which is less working during the day and more Addie time.  So far, it seems to be helping.

Either way, the thought of another toddler right now sort of scares me. If Addie is one of the easy ones, what will I do if my next kid is one of the hard ones?!  Maybe this is why they call me crazy.  Maybe they knew all along that the reason Group Two is so unpopular is because after the terrible two's, those moms start joining Group Three without batting an eye.  I know I sure find them appealing! I mean, hey! Two parents vs. One kid.  That sounds like a fair match to me!!

Discipline for the Three of Us

If you read my blog semi-regularly, you've probably deduced that I do not just show the perfect side of my life.  I feel like this is the place I want moms to be able to come and see that they are not alone in their parenting struggles.  So, here I am, about to share my newest and most frustrating parenting struggle.

Addie won't take a time out to save her life.  I tried everything to get her to realize that this is not play time.  She just continues hitting/biting/screaming/throwing as soon as she gets out, because apparently my reaction is funny.  I've tried different reactions: calm and collected, angry and yelling, sad and hurt. 

We've been battling the time out issue for a few months now, right around the time that it became necessary to teach her right and wrong.  All of my other mommy friends seem to have flown through this transition easily, giving me the advice of "If she runs out of time out, just put her back and make her stay there until her time is up."  and "All kids run out of time out at first, you have to teach her that that is not okay, even if it means you have to stand behind her the first few times and make sure she doesn't move."  The thing is, even after months of time outs, Addie still runs right out.  Nothing I have done will make her stay in time out.  Eventually, we came up with the rule that after she ran out of time out 3 times, we put her in her room with the door closed until her time out was done.  This worked really well for awhile, but it may have hurt us in the long run.  Now, Addie can reach on top of her shelves and dresser, and can open the door and come out. That means even if I put a spinny-thing on her door knob or stand on the other side holding the door closed, she can still get into things to entertain herself in her room.

When good girls stay in time out, they get special tattoo stickers as a reward! Can you be a good girl in time out?

Tonight though, after a friend seeing just how out of hand our time out situation is, I had to come up with a new plan. I mean, she recommended that I watch Nanny 911.  Things can't be so out of control that I need Nanny 911.  They just can't.  I can't be at that point, because that means I'm one of those parents that doesn't have control of her child. I can't be that mom.

Once Addie went to bed, I opened up the trusty Google.com website and typed in "toddler time outs".  A whole slew of websites came up, so I decided to go with the site I trusted in the newborn stage.  I needed something that wasn't a parenting forum, I just wanted advice this time straight from the experts.  Advice from other parents hasn't worked so far in this situation, so why turn to virtual moms, right? (no offense).

I found this article called "Time-Outs: How to Make Them Work".  It looked perfect, and you know what? It may be perfect.  The second paragraph almost made me cry tears of relief that I wasn't alone.

Because toddlers find it hard to sit still, trying to make your little one stay in a certain place for a prescribed length of time may well disintegrate into a chase scene. Here's what happens: Your child runs away from his time-out spot. You catch him, then struggle to make him stay in one place. You threaten, he laughs, delighted with this new game — or cries, frustrated by the requirement. You grab, he bolts. Meanwhile, because he has a short attention span, your toddler forgets why you wanted him to sit still in the first place. Instead of helping your child regain his self-control, you find yourself in a power struggle.

This is it! This is exactly what happens in our house! So it is normal!

According to the article, this scene means that your child is not developmentally ready for a traditional time out.  Instead, they recommend things called "positive time out," meaning you just remove them from the frustrating situation and have time to calm down together.  Things like reading a book or doing a puzzle or listening to calming music.  The main goal is to allow both of you a minute or two to calm down and stop focusing on the "bad" activity.

The article reminds you right away that time out is not a punishment, but "an opportunity for your child to learn how to cope with frustration and modify his behavior."   It stresses that this is a more positive way to discipline and teach, rather than yelling and spanking which are considered more negative attention.

I honestly don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.  It fits so well with how I've parented from the beginning.  It will take some patience and practice, but Willie and I have come up with a new game plan.

Based on what we read tonight, we are going to give up on the traditional time outs for now.  When Addie gets out of hand, we will try reading a book or going to another room for some quiet time together first.  We will both practice not yelling and raising our temper at her over typical toddler behavior, because we don't want to encourage negative attention.

In return, we have also talked and decided that we need to go back to taking a more active role in our parenting.  I think during all of our hard times during the first year, we got so excited once Addie could entertain herself that we both backed away and "took a break."  I feel awful admitting it, but often at home I just leave Addie to her toys and do my thing, be it shop work or chores around the house.  I get frustrated when she wants attention from me, and tell her to go play.  I toss out some crayons or crackers and continue what I was doing. 

Working from home-especially working on my own business-is very stressful and time consuming, and it's beginning to show.  My life feels a little out of control lately in many aspects.  It's time to get back to the basics.  I'm going to be setting times to work, and times to play.  I'm going to come up with activities to do with Addie, and we'll have some structured play time in our day again.  After all, what is the point of staying home with my daughter if I don't take the time to enjoy it?

So, I felt like I needed to lay all of this out in the open.  This is my new promise to myself, and I feel like laying it all out here on my blog will help hold myself accountable.

Waking up Before the Kids

I hear people talk about this concept over and over, and yet, after 15 months, I still can't grasp it.

Waking up before your toddler.  It's a novel concept.  Can you imagine? Checking your email in silence, drinking a cup (or 2) of coffee.  Maybe even a shower! I mean really,  can you imagine the endless possibilities?

Normally, my morning goes something like this:

6:30-7 a.m.: Willie walks in the door from night shift.  I roll over and go back to sleep.
7:30-8 a.m.: Addie wakes up, usually laughing and talking to her "friends". I enjoy the sound and doze in and out for the next 10-30 minutes depending on what time she woke up and how happy she is.  Some moms can't wait to see that first smile in the morning.  Me? I'm just content knowing she does smile in the morning.
8:15-8:30 a.m.: Milk for Addie, coffee for me.  Breakfast, which  is randomly rotated between cold cereal, oatmeal, whole-wheat blueberry pancakes with yogurt, omlets, or whole-grain french toast.
8:45-11 a.m.: Addie plays, I check my email, blog occasionally, and do any miscellaneous CUTEure work which ranges from creating, taking photos, editing photos, listing new items, buying supplies, going to the post office, etc, etc. 
Lately this part has been pretty stressful. You see, from the very beginning, I made sure Addie could play alone. Sure, I love playing with her and teaching her things, but I also need her to entertain herself with her toys sometimes.  This last month though, it's like her toys don't exist unless I'm playing with them!
11 a.m.: NAP TIME!! The time for me to focus, re-group, and actually get something done-despite all the time I allot to work in the morning, let's face it, that usually doesn't happen with a toddler!

In light of this schedule, and the fact that I'm not being nearly as productive as I'd like to be, I decided last night that today would be the day once again, that I attempt to wake up before Addie, get coffee started, and get a shower in.  Just getting those small things out of the way on my own will make my whole day go more smoothly,  I just know it!!

Unfortunately, while this concept sounds easy enough, it just hasn't happened.  Trust me, this isn't my first attempt.  It appears that Addie knows when I plan on waking up before her.  She must have an alarm clock in her crib that goes off 5 minutes before mine does, because man. Every single time I attempt to wake up before her by an hour, she wakes up 5 minutes before me and stays awake. 

I just don't get it.  You would not think waking up in the morning would be a complicated task until you have kids.  What's a mom to do?  After 15 months of lounging in my pajamas until noon when I finally get some alone time, I'm kind of ready to lead a real life again, with a schedule of my own, a daily shower in the morning, maybe even some mascara now and then.

So, tomorrow I will try again!  Perserverance is the key! One day-maybe 18 years from now, but one day-I will have a shower every morning and a quiet cup of coffee while I check my emails. 

Until then...I will wear my jammies until noon, hide my hair under a hat if I have to get out of the house, and drink cold coffee while trying to distract a toddler so I can get some work done. 

Is it nap time yet??

The Lesson of Tough Love..Learned in a Grocery Store.

Don't you just hate it when you go into a grocery store and there is a kid screaming through every aisle, throwing a fit, tossing things out of the cart, with tears running down their face? Yeah...me too.

I especially hate it after today, now that I have finally experienced the other side of that situation.  Yep.  It was my kid throwing a fit in the grocery store today!  You may remember  a certain post of mine this summer that was a reminder to myself and my husband that my daughter will one day throw a fit in the supermarket.  That day was today.  I will admit, that day came a little sooner than expected.

Nothing made her happy.  Not the sippy full of water.  Not the bowl of goldfish I packed just in case.  Not riding on daddy's shoulders. Not the two board books.  Not holding the pear. 

Sure, there were momentary distractions, such as letting her run around the personal hygiene aisle.  By the way what a great moment to choose to drop on all 4's and crawl through the store, Addie.  That sure got some looks.  I'm such a bad mother.

When she decided she no longer wanted to walk and just wanted to crawl all over the store, I gave up.  I was not going to let her crawl around the grocery store floor.  I'm not a germ-a-phobe, but yuck.  There is no telling what she was crawling on.  I picked her up and decided to carry her, which elicited many a protest, but what is a mom to do?  That's right.  Ignore it.  It was time to give Addison her first lesson in tough love.  She needs to learn that throwing a fit and causing mayhem is not the way to get what she wants.

I had no more options.  What she wanted was not even clear at this point. She just wanted to cry and squirm just to do it.  So, I let her.  We were at the check out lane, unloading groceries, and Addie was trying to climb up and over my shoulder to escape me.  Something she's never done before, and decided to pull out of her box of tricks right there in the middle of the store.  At least we were almost out of there and I wouldn't get any more glares from shoppers. Luckily, some nice old lady took pity on us and started talking to Addison, which at least calmed her down enough that I could keep a grip on her so she wouldn't fall on the floor.

We finally make it out of the grocery store...suddenly I'm holding an angel! I guess all she wanted was to not be grocery shopping.  I admit, it's not my favorite chore either, but I sure hope I figure out new ways to make it fun next week.

I am just glad we have adjusted our shopping schedule so that I'm not going alone with Addie.  While I'm sure I could handle it, I'm not so sure I'd want to.  I probably would have forgotten half my list, which would have meant we would turn around and do it again tomorrow.

Moral of the story (there are 3): Don't give in to the tantrum lest they learn how much it bugs you, be kind to little old ladies, & bring company.

That Ring-Stacker on her Head isn't a Halo, Dear..

My friends, contrary to popular belief...this picture does not represent my daughter as an angel. She is not modeling her halo for everyone to see her for what she truly is. In fact, my dears, it's just a piece of a ring-stacker that I placed on her head to elicit some laughs a few weeks ago.

No, my daughter does not have a halo. Why? Because she is no angel. Some might argue with me about this. "She's such a calm, happy baby," they might say. That is true, I will admit. She is a calm, happy baby, but, she is no angel. We will deal with temper tantrums, and the so-called "terrible two's", and the "I don't want to eat my veggies" phase. We will one day deal with notes from the principal, we will have to ground her eventually, and I'm sure, at some point, we will hate her choice of music. Why? Because, my friends, that's just how it works.

I fully believe that it does not always matter how you raise your children. They will not be perfect. Sure, they will be better behaved than some kids if they receive some form of discipline, but no child (or adult for that matter) can be perfect. There will still be rocky terrain from time to time.

I think of this every time I hear a toddler screaming in the grocery store. My husband, bless his heart, always says "Our kids won't do that. We will raise them better than that." Apparently, he seems to thing that she really does have a halo. Of course, we will raise her the best we can, and we will teach her not to throw a fit in a store. Does that mean that she won't do it? Not necessarily! Toddlers are emotional creatures, and they do not quite know how to control those emotions, or express them in a pleasing way to adults. So, they throw a tantrum. I think the key is knowing how to handle these situations as they come up. Knowing that you need to remain calm and not give in when your child screams for the cereal with the cartoon on the front can help prevent this in the future. You just have to know your options. You have to know what will work for you.

I cannot write a blog post about discipline that will really help anyone. Why? Because my daughter isn't even 10 months old yet. We are just getting to the very beginning stages of discipline-teaching her "No," and working on obeying small commands, like "Give the cat food to Mommy, please." Some might say that she is really too young for discipline. I do not think that is the case. I think she is too young for punishment, but not all discipline is punishment, and not all punishment is discipline.

The root of the word "discipline" is Latin. It means "to teach". It is never too early to begin teaching your children how to act. On the same hand, is it really right to judge others based on a 5 minute preview you see in the supermarket? We have no idea what form of discipline they use on a day to day basis. We have no idea if this tantrum was a one-time thing or something their child does on a daily basis. Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you should not judge them when their seemingly angelic child throws their halo in the dust occasionally. Just like Addie...all babies and toddlers have mood swings, tantrums, and their own little personalities we must learn to work with.